Friday, February 21, 2014

In the Name of Domestic Harmony (Part 2)

11. Whenever possible, please wait to tell us whatever you need to tell us until the commercials are over (or better yet, halftime).

God help the man who interrupts his wife during her "stories." Most of the things that are important to us, you think are stupid. (And they probably are, but they are still important to us.) Many of the things that are important to you, we think are stupid. (And we are completely wrong.) We must respect each others’ stupid stuff.

(If I had a nickel for every time TeVo or a DVR prevented a domestic dustup...)

12. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

"Yes, dear. I saw that parking space."

"No. I’m not driving too fast."

"Yes. I did see that car stopped in front of me and I applied the brakes in a safe and timely manner."

"No. I wasn’t looking at that girl’s ..." (Oops. Different topic.)

13. Men only see sixteen colors, like the Windows default setting. Peach is a fruit. Pumpkin is what pies are made of. No man (with a wife or girlfriend) knows what mauve is.

How can there possibly be 73,000 different shades of white? And actually, there is some basis in fact for this.

Fun facts about color blindness. According to the Google, up to 10% of men have some form of color-blindness. Men are three times more likely to be color blind than women, since color blindness is genetic and carried on the X chromosome. Since men only have one X chromosome, if that one has it, he gets it. But it is a recessive trait, so if one of a woman’s X chromosomes has it and the other doesn’t, she doesn’t get it. But there is a 50/50 chance she will pass it on to her children. Basic high school genetics tells me that men are 3 times more likely to be color blind than women. That certainly explains our fashion sense. Blue is blue. White is white. Yellow is green. (Wait. Maybe that’s just me.)

14. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we pretend that nothing is wrong. We know you are lying. We just want to delay the argument.

Sooner or later, I’m going to have a colonoscopy. If my doctor forgets to bring it up during this year’s physical, bullet dodged. I ain’t remindin’ him (or her).

15. If you ask a question that you don't want to hear the answer to, don't ask the question, because we'll give you the answer you don't want to hear.

Seriously. It just makes sense. (See above comment about reminding your doctor about that colonoscopy.)

16. When we go somewhere together, absolutely anything you wear is fine with us...honestly.

In the immortal words of Lily von Shtupp: It’s twue. It’s twue.

When my wife takes the time to dress up, put on makeup and in general "doll herself up," I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. When she wakes up in the morning with bed head wearing old, baggy sweats and one of my old t-shirts, she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world.

(Psst ... here’s a secret. There are few things men find sexier in this world than a woman with her hair pulled back into a ponytail, no make-up, rocking a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. It’s a winner every time.)

17. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, cars or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

Again ... seriously, it’s what we think about ... all the time ... plus ... you know ... (Which is what we’re really thinking about when we say "sports, cars, and the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. But I guess that last one is self-explanatory, innit?)

18. You have enough clothes.

Jeans. T-shirt. We’re good.

19. You have too many shoes.

Seriously. Why do you need six different pairs of white sandals?

20. We are in shape. Round and pear are shapes.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

21. Thank you for reading this. Yes. I know I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. But did you know men don't mind sleeping on the couch? It's like camping ... with a refrigerator.

Another fun fact. Men and women share about 98.2% of our genetic material. Male humans and male chimpanzees share about 98.7%. Ergo, men are more closely related to chimps than to women. (As if you didn’t already know this. Am I right, ladies? )

So, if women want to go all Jane Goodall on men to try and figure us out, just spend some time observing the monkey cage at your local zoo. (My four-year-old son backs this up. His favorite pastime? Displaying his butt.)

Let the Games begin!

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